15 Ways to Get Over a Breakup Like a Grown Woman
That dumb trope of "women eating ice cream in bed crying after a breakup"is out. (And sexist.) In fact, there's no better time than after a huge
heartbreak for a total life renovation.
1. Either block or unfriend him on Facebook, because that poo will be the
death of you. Maybe you assume you are a reasonable and mature lady-
human who can handle seeing the occasional reminder of him on your
Facebook timeline. You're both grown-ups, right! Except if u can stand looking @ him cuddling some dirty girls on his dp...u knw na "fori-fori"(to make u feel jellous)
2. Don't immediately suggest to "stay friends" — and if he does, tell him
you need to think about it. This is an impulse because you don't want to
seem like you care too much about the breakup. Because you're so chill.
You're so chill that your heart isn't beating. And, you're dead. But
truthfully, during this stilted, awkward breaking-up period, it's hard to tell
whether you'll be able to be friends or not. Generally, one person wants to be
friends and the other wants to be more. Gotta work that poo out before it can
be a healthy friendship … if it ever can be. You're not admitting defeat by not
staying friends with him.
3. If you feel an impulse to get drunk alone, call some friends instead. It's
the worst being alone and sad and drunk. When you've just broken up with
someone, you get all nihilistic, and because there is probably not a Hot
Topic near you to get some Tailor Swift CDs, you get too hammered to see and
wind up hooking up with a 50-year-old married man with a big pot-belly
bathroom. At least be sad with people you love! We've all been heartbroken
— it's not like they'll judge you for drinking wine with dirty hair, in Family
Guy pajamas.
4. If you want to drunk-text, get your friend to take your phone away or
throw it in a volcano. Oh, the number of times I have drunk-texted something
cryptic to an ex at 2 a.m. and assumed if he texts back, he still has feelings
for me. Drunk-texting an ex is a two-steps-forward-one-step-back slide
down the rabbit hole. Him replying, "nothing," to your booze-fueled, "sup,"
does not mean you'll have a spring wedding.
5. Begin some kind of intense, rage-based workout routine. Maybe this isn't
a good time for yoga! Maybe it's a good time for something new, like
kickboxing. Really get some of that negative stuff out.
6. Spend a lot of time outside. It's a cliché, but fresh air really does clear
your head. So does, you know, seeing the sun every once in a while. Take at
least two hours from each day just to leave your Cave of Forgotten Dreams
and interact with The Outside.
7. Rebound with one incredibly hot guy, if that's what you want, and then
give yourself some time to decompress and remember who you are. Go out
and get yourself some strange from a guy who is either a King of Leon or just
has dirty hair. It's hard to tell the difference. But then slow down and be low-
key for a while. If you've had one rebound, you've had them all, in this
woman's opinion.
8. If you start dating someone else, take it really slow. Dude. You just
ended a relationship and your heart flipped over and exploded like a tanker in
a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie. If you take it step by step and enjoy it as
a casual thing for a while, that'll give you some time to evaluate whether
you're actually ready to be with someone again or if you're just ready to have
really hot sex with them in an elevator once in a while.
9. Allow yourself to cry when you need to. Thus preventing a giant tidal
wave of #feels to wash over you in the workplace, or the DMV, or anywhere
else inappropriate. If you don't, you'll repress your feelings until you break
down in the office pantry while you're microwaving your pasta and that
passive-aggressive asshole Susan comes over and takes you to the
women's bathroom and murmurs a bunch of vaguely religious-sounding
proverbs like, "This too shall pass." And then every time you and Susan
make contact afterwards, it will be weird.
10. If you get a Facebook invite to his best friend's party ... stay home, put
a face mask on, eat Chinese, and watch House of Cards. There is always a
strong temptation to show up with a fresh blowout and a low-cut J.Lo
Grammys dress, and grind with his friend that you hate just to make him
jealous. Eat your heart out , you think to yourself as you do a nasty seventh
grade dance grind with the guy you once referred to as a "dicksnack tool
slowpoke." Actually, assuming his best friend is some guy you don't really care
about, going to that party still makes it all about him — not your emotional
well-being. And seeing him will just pick the scab open.
11. Don't scheme to get him back — scheme to get yourself back. Get some
solid book recs, join a pickup sports game, go on a trip somewhere with a
girlfriend. Paint your bathroom; I don't care. Just do something for yourself.
12. Write him heartbroken letters and never send them. Get it all out — on
paper, so as to avoid accidentally sending them. ( E is for the "Extremely
messed up way you treated me." R is for "the rage I feel." I is for "I will never
love again." C is for "I HATE YOU YOU DICKHEAD, HOW COULD YOU DO
THIS TO ME." Sent from reallyreallysad@gmail.com .) I bet that's how Alanis
Morrissette wrote "You Oughta Know."
13. Avoid posting the details on Facebook. Or Twitter. Or Instagram. Or
Tumblr. Live ya life! Airing your grievances on social media is not good for
anyone, and it'll be embarrassing later. Who's gonna read it, anyway? Aunt
Maggie? That girl you met during Welcome Week?
14. Take baths. Baths are half wallowing and half cleansing/pampering, and
thus are perfect for breakups. When's the last time you really filled up your
tub (clean it first, please) and had a good soak with a glass (bottle) of wine?
Showers are not for the recently dumped.
15. Stop blaming yourself and thinking things like, "If only I'd watched more
Bourne movies/dyed my hair blonde/given more rim jobs/was cooler." It
takes two to break up — the problem wasn't just you, it was you two as a
couple. It's almost reverse-narcissistic to blame yourself that much! If you
try to look at the relationship from the outside, maybe you'll have an easier
time seeing how you both contributed to the breakup. "If only" killed the
dinosaurs. (Actually an asteroid did, but let's not quibble.)
