These ones cannot be placed in a particular age bracket. They span from young to old. You find them mostly in BRT's and Molue's. (Our ever happy standing committee crew)
They are always looking for an avenue to stand behind anything FEmale and "tap current" (in their minds, age is just a number ), "Konji na bastard".
The last one I experienced was on a BRT. I was relaxing when all of a sudden the elderly woman standing beside me shouted at the elderly man standing right behind her "Oga hold dat thing ooo, nor let am touch me again"
2. The Toasters
These group have this particular track by Iyanya ft Don jazzy "Gift", on repeat mode in their head. They are constantly looking for anything in skirt. Their sole mission is to find out what is underneath it.
Once they are about to board a bus, they scan very well and locate the prettiest chick on the bus, if nah only guys dey dere, dem go just wait for the next available bus.
3. The Religious
These ones have been banned on BRT buses since its inception, so you would find them mostly in the regular 14seater buses, Molue's etc.
The moment the bus is about to move you would suddenly hear a loud shout, enough to give a hypertensive person an instant cardiac arrest.
There are a particular set that never seize to amaze me. You find them on most public transports with a jersey (you know them naa ). I have noticed a couple of times that the date of the program on the "jersey" are past.
4. The Sarewagba's
Literally translated: Run, come collect.
These ones are always advertising their goodies. They wear all sorts of micro mini (The type wey Ronald4lif dey sow for yankee ), leggins, tank tops wey nor be their size and all manner of clothing that exposes something just to lure their preys.
You don't want them sitting in front of you, else they expose the crack of their bum for your viewing pleasure. You don't want them sitting beside you either, else they keep rubbing your shoulder with their massive milk factories.
One more thing if you find one sitting in front with the driver and you love your life come down SHARPALY!!.
5. The Sleeping Crew
These ones ehhnnnn!! Infact they can sleep till rapture. . Once the bus starts moving them don dey sleep. Their sleeping pattern can make you laugh till you pee on yourself.
You don't want to meet or have the chronic types sitting beside you. They nod, snore and drool. The only time they wake up is when they hit their forehead on the metallic surface of the backrest in front of them.
Some bearifu ladies sef dey this committee ooo. They slept only to wake up after her bus stop to shout "Ewo!!!!" . You are not alone dear, me sef enrol in this committee today. I slept off few metres to my bus stop only to wake up at the next bus stop. I trek so tey I con dey swear for all my enemies.
6. The Ignoramus
These folks would appear so cool you would hardly notice how clueless they really are. After the bus has covered a few kilometres, you would hear them asking the person beside them; "Bros, Abeg shebi na Ikeja this bus dey go?"
The person would be like "Nooooo!!, na Abule Egba this bus they go ooo". Na den you go hear dem shout "Ewooooo!!! Driver stop, stop, stop, make I come down"
Hehehehehe
7. The Yokozuna's
I hope we all haven't forgotten that WWE sumo wrestler? Well except you were born in the era of justin bieber.
These group are majorly the extremely obese market women. Choii!! You don't want to find yourself anywhere close to them. They are partly members of "The Sleeping Crew" and the stench from the sweat trickling down their body can make you nauseous instantly.
These ones would occupy half of the seat leaving the other three passengers to compete for what is left. Their usual slogan is "Make una shift nah".
8. The Aproko's
While these ones are not so ubiquitous, you are sure to encounter them once in a while. Pull out your phone and start typing and their long necks would be right above your shoulders with their bulging eyes fixed on your screen.
They are constantly evading passengers privacy with their long necks as though they are expecting a bank alert on your phone.
Mtcheeeeeeeeeeewww!!!
9. The Staff's
We all know them. Our Men in black, but most times in mufti when assuming this role. No need for another epistle here.
10. The Happy Family
Have you ever been in a hurry and waiting patiently for the bus to get full and all of a sudden God answers your prayers, a family of 7 just shows up (Father, Mother and 5 Children).
Your face glows at the thought of the bus taking off soon, only for the family of 7 to occupy just two seats and then say "Aunty or brother abeg make dis my pikin manage for your side". frown fc go take over your heart sharpally.
11. The Beggars
These ones never have enough money to get to their destination. They get into the bus and after a few minutes they tap you and say; "Bros, please help me add N50 to this money"
If they are not successful at this they form tough face and each time the conductor asks for money, you would hear; "Conductor this place too tight, I nor fit comot my money". Only for them to get to the bus stop and......
Well you know the rest.
12. The Instructors
Mostly women who have no idea what downshift of upshift means nor have any clue as to what the function of the clutch is.
They always seem to be experts at tutoring the driver on how to drive well. You would here things like; "Driver move to the fast lane naa" , "This driver too slow, see as him dey drive like learner"
13. The Story Tellers
Loquacious would be an understatement to describe this folks. When you meet them on a bus, you would assume everyone on the bus is their family member. They are always carefree, cracking jokes and have a repertoire of never ending tales. (Most of which na ZOBO ).
I love meeting them sha, they keep the bus lively especially in traffic.
14. The History Keepers
These ancient keepers tend to be in their 70s and above. They are always ranting about the good old days before independence. They would talk about the colonial era down to this democratic dispensation.
They are the only ones who bought peak milk for 2shillings and witnessed the death of Muritala Muhammed. Infact the most infuriating thing about these folks is that when you talk they are quick to shut you up with statements like; "What do you know?", "Keep quiet my friend", "Listen to me...", etc
15. The Consumers
These folks are astounding individuals. They always seat close to the window of the vehicle. Don't get it twisted, its not really about the breeze.
They are gluttons in disguise, chilling to unleash their monstrous appetite on anything that they come across. They keep buying and swallowing, from gala, to puff puff, chin chin, plantain chips, cake, pop corn, Fan Yogo, kunu, zobo, etc.
They won't stop munching and drinking till they get to their bus stop. These ones can finish 1Million Naira inside a bus.
16. The Thieves
They come in different shapes and sizes, ranging from young to old. Their mission is simple, they sit beside you and your wallet, phone, and any other valuable becomes history.
I had an experience with one sometime ago. He sat beside me for about 10mins and highlighted from the bus, before I could say Jacksparrow1207, all I had left was my charger.
17. The Grammarians
You know them already, the likes of Wole Soyinka, Chinua Achebe, Patrick Obahiagbon, etc.
They always appear quiet, but if you like yourself and want to live long to see your great grand children, please don't taunt them. Else what would be left of your self-esteem would be worse than a cadaver.
You would hear something like "You must be sardonic, lugubrious, to orchestrate such diabolical plot of pseudoclassic mesmerism".
18. The "Gbagaun" Specialist
They are not hard to find, as a matter of fact you find them on almost every bus. Well each time I encounter them, I pray a simple prayer to God saying; "Lord please seal his lips with spiritual adhesive".
If these folks are not properly managed their gbagaun can deflate all the tyres. If I venture type one of the gbagauns here, server would immediately start experiencing issues.
19. The Silent Fart Machines
Very difficult to detect, as usual they are not limited to a particular age group. These folks have been sent through time to make your time on the bus miserable.
They produce these deadly gases at intervals and are the first to raise alarm and cover their nostrils to wade off suspicion.
Make Una Fear God ooooooo!!!!
20. The Customer Service Reps.
You know them already, high heels, flashy dresses, designer bags, heavy make ups, etc. Once they get inside the bus their phones starts ringing.
Most times I think they purposely skip the intro "Welcome to the blah blah Call center...." and get straight to the point in "resolving customer complaints" .
These ladies keep talking for as long as they are seated in the bus comfortably. Every other person murmuring or mumbling at their incessant phone calls can GO AND DIE IN THE LAGOON.
